I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
