So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
