You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
