brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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