Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
