Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
