just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I want to fling myself into the sun
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
