Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
