thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
