dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
