Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
