we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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