no, he came in my armpit
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
