I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
