I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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