The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
sex in a hospital.. check
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
