I can text with my tongue
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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