Plan B is the new Plan A
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
