I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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