I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
