I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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