can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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