You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
