I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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