And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
