i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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