It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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