Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
