I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
