I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
