I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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