genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
