if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
