I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
