I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Randomize
