One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
