So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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