Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
