My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
