When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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