please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he was CRYING into my vagina
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
