I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
