when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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