I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
