In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Found your dick twin last night
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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