I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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