so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
