Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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