Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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