I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Randomize
