and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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