I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
