do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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